This post has literally been in my drafts since June 2017…I could never bring myself to post it because I thought I needed to reach a specific goal first. That “goal” is arbitrary and I can still provide value even if I’m not at my “goal weight”. And you know what? I’m so over having a goal weight…
So, in honor of my 1 year blog anniversary I thought it was fitting to share my wellness journey.
This all began senior year of high school after I had stopped cheerleading & dancing (AKA structured workouts). I didn’t know how to workout on my own and I started to gain a little weight, nothing crazy though.
I struggled with binge eating. AKA (for me) being super healthy in front of everyone during the day and snacking in a mindless state when alone. The amount I ate was uncontrollable and shameful. I would often cry afterwords. It was a very dark time for me.
During this time I was still constantly restricting myself during the day to try and “get skinny” and then would totally over indulge and binge at night.
If you have ever struggled with this you know exactly what I felt. In the moment there is literally no control and after you binge you feel so much sadness and shame.
As you can imagine, this was a very draining way to live. Constantly going back in forth with restricting and binging.
So, I started to do some research on “healthy foods” so I could maybe eat like a normal person. Such a foreign concept at that point! From there on I was obsessed with learning about what foods did for your body and the benefits they provided.
Flash-forward…In college I was one who ordered a salad at the pizza joint. Yep, that girl.
Sometimes (and this is horrible) I would even tell my friends I couldn’t hang out with them or go somewhere because I didn’t feel comfortable with the food options that would be available. I was “happy” to stay home by myself and make my little salad with chicken. Sorry I was so anti social roomies.
At this point I was so obsessed with my weight and tracking every single thing I ate. Hello My Fitness Pal. (BOOO!!)
My senior year of college is when I decided enough was enough. I just didn’t have the mental capacity to keep up with all of the food rules that I had made for myself and keeping tabs on every single thing I ate.
From there I kinda swung in the completely opposite direction, which was exactly what I needed. I allowed myself to eat without guilt and let me tell you, I did.
After a while I realized I was satisfied not restricting but I also still wanted be the healthiest version of myself.
Finding true balance was a challenge. I wanted so desperately to be healthy but also not be too extreme as to restrict myself again.
I found true love and happiness in eating healthy foods.
When I keep in mind what the foods I’m putting into my body are doing for me, I am satisfied eating my healthy foods and not feeling restricted at the same time.
So here’s where I am now…
I am happy with the balance I’ve created in my life. I no longer feel the pressure of saying, “no” to the dessert at a dinner party. If I want that cupcake, I’m going to have it!!
Balance to me means making healthy choices the majority of the time and when you do want to indulge, you don’t feel guilty. Trust me, this wasn’t an easy place to get to but I am so grateful for my strength to make it here.
Another thing that has helped with this balance is making healthier versions of comfort foods. Now I love making healthy tacos, Simple Mills pancakes and zucchini noodles instead of pasta. I find joy in cooking healthy food for myself and my husband!
My wellness journey isn’t over and I’m still trying to find the foods that work best for my body but how I think about food is SO different now, which is huge for me.
Thanks for following along with A Dash Of nutMeg for the past year, I look forward to sharing more for a long time to come with you guys!
P.S. If you haven’t seen my IG Giveaway, check it out here.